


it's okay til it's not (and i'm back there)

by preciouspeterbparker



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Gaslighting, M/M, Non-Consensual Touching, Rape/Non-con Elements, Self-Doubt, Sexual Assault, non-con is not between peter and tony
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-17 08:02:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29222130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/preciouspeterbparker/pseuds/preciouspeterbparker
Summary: It always comes up at the most random times.Peter’s fine, he swears. And most of the time he really is. He goes to class, stays mostly caught up with his work, does a couple hours a week at his part time job, hangs out with his friends. But sometimes, when he’s alone and has too much time to think, it comes back to him.
Relationships: Peter Parker/Tony Stark, Quentin Beck/Peter Parker
Comments: 4
Kudos: 41





	it's okay til it's not (and i'm back there)

**Author's Note:**

> did anyone ask for a vent fic?? no?? well here it is anyway!
> 
> i think listening to the song “everybody loves you” by charlotte lawrence would be very helpful, title is taken from it and i was listening on repeat while writing.
> 
> warnings: sexual assault, non-con, quentin beck, peter is pining for tony but they aren’t actually together, peter kind of gaslights himself and his headspace is not the healthiest so don’t read this if it will trigger you!
> 
> \- bloo

It always comes up at the most random times. 

Peter’s fine, he swears. And most of the time he really is. He goes to class, stays mostly caught up with his work, does a couple hours a week at his part time job, hangs out with his friends. But sometimes, when he’s alone and has too much time to think, it comes back to him. 

Sometimes he’ll wake up in the middle of the night, sure that he can feel hands on his hips and hot, liquor-rancid breath on the back of his neck. His muscles will freeze and lock up to the point where he can’t even turn his head around to look back, to see the empty space he knows is there. He gets trapped, _knowing_ there’s no one behind him but unable to prove it, incapable of proving the phantom sensations wrong. 

Sometimes he’s in the shower and the water on his skin disappears, in its place the memory of his face against the cold tile, mouth pressed into a thin line to keep quiet. The fear that ran through his veins, the effort it took to not let out the sobs that were building up inside. The disgust, the shame at his lack of protest. 

And the thing is, Peter sees Beck everywhere. In the library when he's with his study group for linguistics. Walking across the campus green on his way to the dining hall. Even in the greek house he’s a part of, The Compound; Beck’s not a member, but Tony is.

Tony, Peter’s crush and best friend of almost a year. Tony, who also happens to still be really good friends with Beck, despite knowing that Peter doesn't really like him. 

Everybody Peter knows seems to be really good friends with Beck. He’s on the lifting team with Steve and Bucky. He’s an engineering major like Tony. He’s _that guy_ , the guy everyone knows, the one the professors all love, the one involved in twenty-million things. Peter bets he was popular in highschool.

And to be honest, it’s not Tony’s fault, he doesn’t know any better. He doesn’t know what happened. Peter never told him. Peter hasn’t told _anyone_. 

So Tony doesn’t understand why Peter never really spends the night at The Compound anymore, doesn't understand why Peter gets quiet and makes a hasty exit whenever Quentin is around. Because he doesn’t know that during one of their group sleepovers in Tony's room after one of The Compound's famous parties, Peter woke up in the middle of the night to Beck pressed up against him, one hand down the front of his shimmery-blue hot pants. He doesn’t know that Peter, still drunk from the evening’s festivities, mistakenly thought it was Tony, who he’d been crushing on at the time. 

He doesn’t know that Peter allowed Beck to quietly escort him out of Tony’s room and down the hall to the bathroom, strip him and corral him into the shower. He doesn’t know that a few minutes in, the pain sobered Peter up enough for him to realize that it wasn’t Tony touching him, it wasn’t Tony buried inside his ass. He doesn’t know that Peter froze in panic at the sight of Beck’s large form looming over him. Tony doesn’t know that Peter bit through his lip and let fake, forced moans pour out of his mouth to make it end faster until Beck finally pulled away and walked him back to Tony’s room like nothing had happened.

He doesn’t know that afterwards, Peter curled himself back up on the futon at the foot of Tony’s bed, silent tears streaming down his cheeks as he desperately wished that the snoring brunette would just _wake up_ and ask him what was wrong. Tony doesn’t know that all the blood drained from Peter’s face when he checked the time on his phone and saw a message from Beck, who apparently knew about Peter’s crush on Tony: _That was fun and all, but I just wanted to make sure you know I’m not looking for a relationship :)_

Peter will never forget the way that message made him feel, the implications of it. Because it meant that Tony and Beck had talked about Peter, about the crush Peter had been harboring for over a year. They'd talked about the way Tony had let him down gently and said that while he'd enjoyed the one time they'd hooked up, he wasn't ready for a relationship but that they should definitely be friends. 

And Peter wants to tell Tony, believe him. But there’s always a voice in the back of his head that prevents him from doing so. Tony and Beck are seniors, Peter’s only a sophomore; they’ve been friends longer than Peter and Tony have even known each other. And it’s been so long now, months since it happened. What if Tony doesn’t believe him? What if he already knows, but Beck spun it as consensual? What if he just thinks Peter's crazy? Peter just wants Tony to like him, to love him one day, maybe.

So Peter never brings it up, even though it eats at him inside. Because what can he say? It's not like he ever told Beck to stop. That's what gets him upset, the fact he just let it happen. The fact that it wasn't even the first time that he woke up to Quentin touching him. (The first time, maybe a month or so before the second, he'd rolled over and away and pretended to be asleep, heart racing in his chest in the dark of the room. He curses himself, wishes he had said something then.) Peter hates the way that he doubts himself, now, because of it. 

He...he knows that it was wrong for Beck to touch him while he was asleep, unconscious. But… was he really assaulted, is it rape if he never said the word 'no'? Is he just regretting having sex with Quentin? Peter has heard stories of guys who've gotten their lives ruined by false accusations from partners who simply regretted their decisions. He doesn't want to do that to anyone, doesn't want to cause any trouble or ruin anyone's life. He'll be okay, he can handle it himself, no one needs to know. 

So Peter keeps it to himself. He pushes it from his mind until he can’t anymore and he cries into his pillow at night, petrified. He stares at his body in the mirror and if it will ever feel his again. He smiles at Tony and the other guys when he makes excuse after excuse about why he can't come to meetings this week, why he won't be at the party next weekend, why he can't stay for game night. 

He’ll be okay. He has to be.


End file.
